The Peanut Gallery: Takin' the Night Off.
February 10, 2024
‘Oh to be Prince Caspian and float upon the waves...’
Such was the travel agent’s sales pitch. I'd no idea how a boat trip across the Caspian Sea was supposed to begin in Wallachia, but the travel agent said everything would work itself out and I literally couldn't argue. She must have been the last of her breed, smiling painfully from the window of her strip mall office at every passerby. Her stare was intense, so much so that before I knew it, I found myself in her dingy office, signing a travel package I hadn’t recalled agreeing to purchase. No, seriously, I did not have enough money at the time—I was in that mall looking for a job. I spent my fucking rent check.
Anyway, as the tickets were non-refundable and I was now homeless, I decided to take a vacation. To Wallachia, apparently.
I landed, caught a taxi from a hairy Turkish man, who for some reason dumped me off a fucking mile from my destination. This was not a planned trip, so my gobbledygook was a tad rusty, but he was very insistent about the movie Twighlight. Kept shoving the DVD in my face. I think he wanted me to buy it, but he refused any offer of money, and he just dropped the thing into his hands and plunged his knees. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have said he was pleading with me.
Honestly I didn’t care how moving of an experience the movie was for him, I wasn’t going to throw away his trash, so I just tossed it back in his face and marched my way up to the BNB. Big. Dark. Imposing. Lightning bolt flashed behind clouds. Shit, was ominous, yo. I was already chalking up my negative review.
The bloke who answered the door was weird. Super weird. The dude he brought me to was even weirder. Seven feet tall, bare from head to toe, and pale as moon light. The man glittered. He climbed off his tower of power and swept me up in a bear hug, but the strangest thing? His skin was like ice. He claimed his name was Vlad the Impaler, but I swear to God I heard someone say the ‘Impaled’ at least once.
Vlad insisted he take me on a moonlight boat ride across the Black Sea. I was about to refuse, because, well, that’s fucking weird, but one look in his eyes and I found myself on the fucking boat. The piece of shit roofied me. My mind went frantic attempting to figure out how he'd done when I realized, The body oil! Of course!. I was still drenched in the stuff from his hug...but for some reason I didn’t care.
The Black Sea truly is beautiful, especially at night. The stars glittered in Vlad’s eyes. His physique, once so...not my preference, now filled my mind. There was an affable charm to him, I’ll admit, and I’m a tad impulsive, so we got to talking. I admitted my intent to sue them for false advertising, but Vlad just smiled knowingly and nodded to his helmsmen.
Until Vlad addressed them I hadn’t noticed the helmsman's existence. I looked over and, surprisingly enough, there was a very bored /u/External_Reaction314. /u/External_Reaction314 looked into my eyes, and I knew instantly they’d seen some shit. But a job is a job. They pushed a button, the vessel sprouted wings, and before I knew it we were flying. Our helmsman sailed us across the shitty part of Eurasia, then over the Caspian.
I was enthralled. Literally. The Caspian on the other hand was a bit of a letdown. She can be a wonderful, but lately we haven't been treating her too good. So Vlad had himself a few drinks...and I don't really remember the rest of the night.
All together five stars.
Anyway, why I gave /u/External_Reaction314 the flare ‘Dracula’s Worldly Helmsman’. May they wear it with pride.
Q For the Community:
How y'all doing?